When I was younger, probably about 17, I was given a prompt which encouraged me to list 5 questions I can't stand not knowing the answer to. I only wrote one question down.
In situations where I have no control, I am forced to have faith and this is where I really struggle with these questions; I must either have faith, or I must work obsessively to ensure that they do without a doubt know I love them, that I will not be lonely, that I will take every chance I get to connect with someone so that I will not have to resort to faith. Ultimately, though, this effort can still be futile; I cannot know if something is going to sepperate me from those I love and I cannot have time to prepare.
So, the only thing I can do to ease these anxieties is to progressively remind them in one way or another that they matter to me and to never waste a moment I have with them even at the expense of time for myself. Though I value time to myself more than many would guess, it is far easier especially in my 20's to make time for myself which I have complete control over, where as I would then have to rely on fate and faith in my relationships remaining strong and having other opportunities to see people and meet people. I cannot put faith alone in to sustaining a loving and supportive community with meaningful relationships. I can make time for myself if I need it, but there are too many variables in play to just snap my fingers and make a friend or a game night- relationships and communities demand investment and investing in them eases my anxieties. Friends are people, and like gardens I feel time nourishing the soil is worth it if I wont have to start from scratch as often and if I produce quality plants.
However, this metaphor also circles back to where my anxieties really come in to play. Even the most well-groomed gardens can produce a dying plant, though a friend who has passed away or moved off to do other things does not "die" like a plant. They still exist in memory and their ripple effect is lasting. The relationship built lasts in effect and memory. A plant is ultimately the product of the gardener, where a person has free will and a relationship will always be built on uncertain terms because of this. There is always an element of faith involved.
I am proud of a friend who has moved off to do great things. I can be happy for a friend that dismisses me in pursuit of a romance or family. Coworkers can leave and schoolmates can graduate and I can be left behind and still feel gratitude, but nonetheless I will still eventually come to that critical point where I realize the value of what I have lost and that people are irreplaceable. Worse yet, I may come to a point where I wonder if this is just the first step on a pathway to loneliness.
Making friends can be difficult. People have their own lives and my urge to open up and invite people in to my life and arms of affection is so often either repressed in my self or overwhelming to others. Once again, there are too many variables. I need people to know they matter to me because our time together is finite and I have a bottomless reservoir of love, joy, and gratitude to express before my time is out. I need to give as much of me out as I can. Pent up love and energy in me haunts me like a waste of a most valuable resource, regardless of it being an infinite pool within me.
I believe these anxieties began when my relationship with my sister began to show a distance farther than 2 years and a couple miles. In the latter part of adolescence the differences which made us cute and compatible via circumstance as children became more pronounced. It is my fault we aren't friends anymore, and I am reminded of this every day. I was excited about who I was and was becoming, and I sacrificed the time and social niceties of talking about boys and watching High School Musical for time to myself- something I will never do again. I didn't indulge her when I should have. I would not have been hard to indulge her. It would have been simple and selfless and would have made all the difference and I understand now that hindsight is 20/20. I didn't have any legitimate friends for at least 5 years for the same reasons, but I do not regret this as much because it made me who I am now. However, in my sister's case I regret this still. A sister can be a friend for life. If I had just indulged that one person we would both be better off- but I left it to fate, I let the garden rot, and the variables took in to effect compounded over years of neglect. At this point no cosmic vehicle could minimize the light years between us. If I were closer with my sister, I doubt these anxieties would be half as pronounced.
I was a very lonely teen and often I reached out and came back empty handed. I am a very happy and successful adult, and I will work tirelessly to keep this train rolling down meticulously laid tracks through flourishing gardens. This is why I always indulge others now, and why I burn out hard a couple times a year and seek solo Buddhist retreats. I see this in my father too; he will always go the extra mile for somebody, and so I will never be too busy for my father. I know that no time is enough for people like us, and if there is any grand contradiction in my life it is this- I am a Buddhist who fundamentally cannot deal with the idea of detachment and solitude. It is a contradiction I can live with, though. Buddhism is built on a complimentary base of effort and faith, and this is what draws me to it. If I can one day understand the balance the Buddha found, perhaps then my anxieties will cease.
What is this is the last time I see them? Do they know I love them? What if I am lonely? Did I miss my chance?"There is no other series of related questions which tears me up inside quite as much.
In situations where I have no control, I am forced to have faith and this is where I really struggle with these questions; I must either have faith, or I must work obsessively to ensure that they do without a doubt know I love them, that I will not be lonely, that I will take every chance I get to connect with someone so that I will not have to resort to faith. Ultimately, though, this effort can still be futile; I cannot know if something is going to sepperate me from those I love and I cannot have time to prepare.
However, this metaphor also circles back to where my anxieties really come in to play. Even the most well-groomed gardens can produce a dying plant, though a friend who has passed away or moved off to do other things does not "die" like a plant. They still exist in memory and their ripple effect is lasting. The relationship built lasts in effect and memory. A plant is ultimately the product of the gardener, where a person has free will and a relationship will always be built on uncertain terms because of this. There is always an element of faith involved.I am proud of a friend who has moved off to do great things. I can be happy for a friend that dismisses me in pursuit of a romance or family. Coworkers can leave and schoolmates can graduate and I can be left behind and still feel gratitude, but nonetheless I will still eventually come to that critical point where I realize the value of what I have lost and that people are irreplaceable. Worse yet, I may come to a point where I wonder if this is just the first step on a pathway to loneliness.
Making friends can be difficult. People have their own lives and my urge to open up and invite people in to my life and arms of affection is so often either repressed in my self or overwhelming to others. Once again, there are too many variables. I need people to know they matter to me because our time together is finite and I have a bottomless reservoir of love, joy, and gratitude to express before my time is out. I need to give as much of me out as I can. Pent up love and energy in me haunts me like a waste of a most valuable resource, regardless of it being an infinite pool within me.
I was a very lonely teen and often I reached out and came back empty handed. I am a very happy and successful adult, and I will work tirelessly to keep this train rolling down meticulously laid tracks through flourishing gardens. This is why I always indulge others now, and why I burn out hard a couple times a year and seek solo Buddhist retreats. I see this in my father too; he will always go the extra mile for somebody, and so I will never be too busy for my father. I know that no time is enough for people like us, and if there is any grand contradiction in my life it is this- I am a Buddhist who fundamentally cannot deal with the idea of detachment and solitude. It is a contradiction I can live with, though. Buddhism is built on a complimentary base of effort and faith, and this is what draws me to it. If I can one day understand the balance the Buddha found, perhaps then my anxieties will cease.
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