I believe that I am living in the "glory days" right now.
I have friends that are interesting, kind, and involved in my thriving social life. I live with 2 people I love and 2 pets which bring me joy. I get to enjoy hobbies and activities daily and with ease. My home is small and falling apart but it is perfect. I have limited stress with the exception of my relationship to my student loans. I have a good job and I am financially stable. I have exciting plans, I am young and healthy, and I'm living in a city that has made all of my dreams come true. I am in love with my life and I know that it will change.
The only awful thing that pervades this life is an uneasy lack of certainty. Life isn't short some days and some days it really is. I worry that I'm already 22 and already I can see time running out and my choices closing in where they are all so open and inviting and possible now. I worry about making the choice to sacrifice travel or sacrifice having children. I worry that I wont do everything I can before I get older and my body is less sprite and striving. And yet at the same time life is very long because I do not see the end to these years, these golden glorious years. Though the days my fly by, I remain so young and without any means or need to change my life as is.
I know that this is a precious period in my life and I know that things will change suddenly and that this life will perhaps gain something else, but will lose the warm splendor I am feeling now. Time is both fleeting and a frustratingly oblique, ambiguous stretch. We find ourselves caught in an appealing ditch between the families of our past and future. I may worry all I want about money and I may plan out every trip, en devour, and commitment but I've seen these things just suddenly happen and fall in the place for people in wedding rings and a series of lucky compromises.
Youth is a privilege and I have no trouble taking advantage of it's finite resources. I only wonder now how all of this will end. Will I be the catalyst? Do I have any control on when the glory days end? People come and go according to their own movements and these are forces I cannot predict or control. This is the age old qualm of pleasure- knowing that one day it will end.
Recently, a good friend moved away and I suppose nothing makes me feel like a little kid quite so much as those moments when you must be happy for someone when you want to reach out and hold them there with you, selfishly and irrationally. I remember feeling so drained and in considering everybody who had moved away in the last year I wondered when I would be hit with these winds that carried them away.
Lately I have felt like Jordan, Kyle and I are living in the eye of a hurricane and can only briefly invite people in before they must be carried away. It doesn't matter if these people love you or miss you because ultimately they have lives we cannot follow and I wonder if this is some grand reminder that you really can't choose your family.
Do I believe in destiny? I never used to. I had to stop looking at myself to see it. The winds and the force of the hurricane is destiny, and the eye has always been a space of cosmic significance.
When our carbon monoxide detector went off and I lay there hungover and naked the moment came in to sudden focus for me- the situation called for gathering what mattered. I woke up Jordan, grabbed Lily and Meta, and the 5 of us crowded in to my little car to stay warm, following Kyle as our masculine pillar. This is my family in this little car. Jordan and Kyle are my partners. I have found so much in Lethbridge, but these are the people I am bound to. These are my partners whom I answer for and when I visit my friend in Montreal this is my family that I will be drawn to return to and to care for. For years it felt like all of my friends who've moved away were really part of this picture, and they were, but not in the focus. In those surreal moments in that car I understood the divine zen of the hurricane. The hurricane does not only carry people away, but it holds people close.
It is never that I feel alone when I miss my friends, but rather that I miss the spiritual connection and unique person whom reminded me of a destined prosperity and value in each human spirit. I will miss these people and I will ache for them. They weren't my partners, but they did matter. They were destined elsewhere and I am destined to be here in this car, in this sacred eye.
I have friends that are interesting, kind, and involved in my thriving social life. I live with 2 people I love and 2 pets which bring me joy. I get to enjoy hobbies and activities daily and with ease. My home is small and falling apart but it is perfect. I have limited stress with the exception of my relationship to my student loans. I have a good job and I am financially stable. I have exciting plans, I am young and healthy, and I'm living in a city that has made all of my dreams come true. I am in love with my life and I know that it will change.
The only awful thing that pervades this life is an uneasy lack of certainty. Life isn't short some days and some days it really is. I worry that I'm already 22 and already I can see time running out and my choices closing in where they are all so open and inviting and possible now. I worry about making the choice to sacrifice travel or sacrifice having children. I worry that I wont do everything I can before I get older and my body is less sprite and striving. And yet at the same time life is very long because I do not see the end to these years, these golden glorious years. Though the days my fly by, I remain so young and without any means or need to change my life as is.
I know that this is a precious period in my life and I know that things will change suddenly and that this life will perhaps gain something else, but will lose the warm splendor I am feeling now. Time is both fleeting and a frustratingly oblique, ambiguous stretch. We find ourselves caught in an appealing ditch between the families of our past and future. I may worry all I want about money and I may plan out every trip, en devour, and commitment but I've seen these things just suddenly happen and fall in the place for people in wedding rings and a series of lucky compromises.
Youth is a privilege and I have no trouble taking advantage of it's finite resources. I only wonder now how all of this will end. Will I be the catalyst? Do I have any control on when the glory days end? People come and go according to their own movements and these are forces I cannot predict or control. This is the age old qualm of pleasure- knowing that one day it will end.
Lately I have felt like Jordan, Kyle and I are living in the eye of a hurricane and can only briefly invite people in before they must be carried away. It doesn't matter if these people love you or miss you because ultimately they have lives we cannot follow and I wonder if this is some grand reminder that you really can't choose your family.
Do I believe in destiny? I never used to. I had to stop looking at myself to see it. The winds and the force of the hurricane is destiny, and the eye has always been a space of cosmic significance.
When our carbon monoxide detector went off and I lay there hungover and naked the moment came in to sudden focus for me- the situation called for gathering what mattered. I woke up Jordan, grabbed Lily and Meta, and the 5 of us crowded in to my little car to stay warm, following Kyle as our masculine pillar. This is my family in this little car. Jordan and Kyle are my partners. I have found so much in Lethbridge, but these are the people I am bound to. These are my partners whom I answer for and when I visit my friend in Montreal this is my family that I will be drawn to return to and to care for. For years it felt like all of my friends who've moved away were really part of this picture, and they were, but not in the focus. In those surreal moments in that car I understood the divine zen of the hurricane. The hurricane does not only carry people away, but it holds people close.
It is never that I feel alone when I miss my friends, but rather that I miss the spiritual connection and unique person whom reminded me of a destined prosperity and value in each human spirit. I will miss these people and I will ache for them. They weren't my partners, but they did matter. They were destined elsewhere and I am destined to be here in this car, in this sacred eye.
Comments
Post a Comment