Kyle, Jordan, and I met when we were so young. With every year that passes it strikes me as more and more remarkable and unbelievable that we were once 19 and essentially different people when we first met. I could never really pinpoint what drew us to each other at that time, but just the other day sharing cheap wine with Jordan it struck me what it was; a mutual insecurity and synchronizing failures to gain admittance in to the communities we desperately tried to model ourselves after.
At the time, in late 2012, Jordan seemed so far out of my league in terms of charisma and social hierarchies and to be frank, Kyle was unnerving to be around with his aggressive masculinity. This is how they appeared in the company of other groups, at least. Now I can see that we all were merely insecure and attempted passionately to hide it behind shows of assertive grandeur, coyness, and libido. We didn't do these things because we felt like we needed to, but because we all entered Lethbridge with the idea of a country mouse gaining admittance to Madison Gardens or Times Square. We saw Lethbridge as an opportunity to use a blank slate and prove that we could be the successful archetype that we were denied in the past.
Jordan was by far the most subversive and initially successful. Back then he was louder, more flamboyant, and yet at the same time more bro-ey and catty as a performance in groups. Like some elaborate dance I would watch him charm the masses at parties with a personality I never saw in him before. I drank in these images of what I believed confidence looked like and I sought after the opportunity to understand how he could do this. Throughout the years I've learned that he really isn't the social butterfly everyone was idolizing then. He has 8 billion acquaintances and though he may enjoy the feeling of being connected in a web, he does not necessarily want the spotlight on him- he just knows he performs best that way. I suppose this is something many actors come to terms with, but for someone so young it was incredible to watch him pull it off so well. To have the approval of the communities he was engaged with then, you must be loud and dedicate yourself immediately to a memorable and outgoing persona. He didn't need to lie, exactly. I still believe him to have a very memorable persona,after all. However, he did need to embellish it and he needed to do it flawlessly- he did this better than Kyle and I ever did, and he managed to do it for longer, too.
It still blows my mind that Kyle had the guts to come out here and live in the university residence with 40 strangers. He was home schooled for all of his socially formative years and his ideas of male behavior consisted mostly of how him and his brother behaved around each other. His family consisted of every relationship he had had before he moved out to Lethbridge. Like Jordan, he must have known that he had to commit immediately to the persona he wished to successfully reinvent upon himself. Thus, he was crude, blatant, and ballsy and he was not afraid in the slightest to belt out whatever one-liners and pick up lines he felt would be successful, regardless of how his others were received. Kyle was the most fearless of the three of us, without doubt. He had the most to lose and unlike Jordan, who would face a kind of betrayal from this community years later, Kyle was blind to it all until I was forced to shed some light on the situation. His bro's were hardly more than humoring him just as the drama circle was far less entertained by Jordan when it was revealed as someone who needed the support of a friend and engaged in a brief hiatus from the community to account for this. But even then, Kyle must have had some idea that his peacock-like display was not working with others because he continued to seek the easy company of Jordan, who was also rejected by many a bro, and myself who remained a friend even after a few failed pick up lines.
Finally, I too failed to execute a believable character for a community I so desperately craved validation from- the feminine community. Having been mocked mercilessly in high school, moving to Lethbridge gave me the opportunity to reinvent myself as a female that is respected as feminine and as one capable of both being attractive to others and capable of making the pursuit. I bought new clothes and straightened my hair daily and though I never did properly learn how to apply make-up I decided that I would kiss and be seduced by these men that never knew me in terms of the insecurities of my past. Of course, I thought I was hiding my efforts better than I really was. I thought I could hide my discomfort at dance clubs and other intimate environments and I thought my feelings of failure weren't horribly and embarrassingly evident on my face. I couldn't tell which was worse; not attracting any men at all, or having one grind on me and knowing that I'd rather be anywhere else. I thought I was convincing though, especially to other women. I really thought I could pass as a feminine person with tons of sexual and romantic experience at least long enough to foster a friendship. This I longed for more than the company of men, of course, because ultimately going on dates and kissing men was just a means to prove to women that I was like them and had things to talk about with them.
It was a slow acceptance for me to see how tiring these performances get and though they all feel bold and empowering to put your newer, more attractive foot forward I learned that ultimately it is not a successful method for lasting self esteem. Around Kyle I felt interesting, respected, and attractive in new, natural ways that didn't require any elaborate ploys and efforts. And of course, years later, I did make a female friend or two.
The relationship the three of us built was founded, in part, of a relief and comfort to let go of our insecure performances around each other. After all, Kyle was thoughtful, smart, and gentle in this company when he wasn't trying to be a bro or pick up woman and hilariously enough I was also a completely different person when I wasn't trying to get any female affection. Similarly, Jordan was more open, intuitive, and quiet and I was more comfortable to laugh loudly, and embrace the awkward parts of me with a respectable self-awareness instead of shame. In this company I saw how true confidence, self-esteem, and relationships were built.
When we first met we all had different plans for our blank slates but it isn't fate that brought us together, then, to forge our own inclusive community. I see it as one part fate or destiny, sure, with 3 parts working to foster a common and mutual interest. Thus, initially we all supported each other's en devours and for a year we were all very separated and merely touched base with each other when we could. Jordan was seen and appreciated by others as the Stoner Gay, I was the try-hard hopeless purse dog in my condo which hosted countless girl's nights, and Kyle was being torn down by women in Cochrane and Europe like a whipped dog (though he remained ever fearless, bless that man). We knew that each of our respective pursuits were necessary even if it was an excersize of patience in friendship not to interfere. Others did not see what we appreciated in each other back then, and it was only a matter of time before we'd pick up and move on.
We came to this city with the intent of possibility and our respective hope, determination, and courage are all commendable to this day, in my opinion. But somewhere along the line we grew up together and some nights in this house I still marvel at the ease with which we support and live with each other as if this were not a totally remarkable synchronized ecosystem of relationships that it is. It may feel a little like destiny, at times, but I'm inclined to believe differently at this point. The bizarre synchronicity of our lives and sanctuary is not an equation derived from random chance or by consistent effort- I believe that it was a collective adaptation we faced together which may only hold the flavour of destiny.
That being said, who am I to say this? I wasn't there when Kyle was in Europe and I wasn't with Jordan at the parties and his old places of residence. All I know is what I saw happen to us together and that the choice we made to stick together seems to all add up. This conclusion was all at once unexpected and humbling when I first came to it, but now I wear it like a warm blanket. One can only hope to be as fortunate as I am. After all of those years I spent looking for a loving and supportive community among females which I'd historically never found, I can't believe it took me a year to propose moving in with these two.
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At the time, in late 2012, Jordan seemed so far out of my league in terms of charisma and social hierarchies and to be frank, Kyle was unnerving to be around with his aggressive masculinity. This is how they appeared in the company of other groups, at least. Now I can see that we all were merely insecure and attempted passionately to hide it behind shows of assertive grandeur, coyness, and libido. We didn't do these things because we felt like we needed to, but because we all entered Lethbridge with the idea of a country mouse gaining admittance to Madison Gardens or Times Square. We saw Lethbridge as an opportunity to use a blank slate and prove that we could be the successful archetype that we were denied in the past.
Jordan was by far the most subversive and initially successful. Back then he was louder, more flamboyant, and yet at the same time more bro-ey and catty as a performance in groups. Like some elaborate dance I would watch him charm the masses at parties with a personality I never saw in him before. I drank in these images of what I believed confidence looked like and I sought after the opportunity to understand how he could do this. Throughout the years I've learned that he really isn't the social butterfly everyone was idolizing then. He has 8 billion acquaintances and though he may enjoy the feeling of being connected in a web, he does not necessarily want the spotlight on him- he just knows he performs best that way. I suppose this is something many actors come to terms with, but for someone so young it was incredible to watch him pull it off so well. To have the approval of the communities he was engaged with then, you must be loud and dedicate yourself immediately to a memorable and outgoing persona. He didn't need to lie, exactly. I still believe him to have a very memorable persona,after all. However, he did need to embellish it and he needed to do it flawlessly- he did this better than Kyle and I ever did, and he managed to do it for longer, too. 
Finally, I too failed to execute a believable character for a community I so desperately craved validation from- the feminine community. Having been mocked mercilessly in high school, moving to Lethbridge gave me the opportunity to reinvent myself as a female that is respected as feminine and as one capable of both being attractive to others and capable of making the pursuit. I bought new clothes and straightened my hair daily and though I never did properly learn how to apply make-up I decided that I would kiss and be seduced by these men that never knew me in terms of the insecurities of my past. Of course, I thought I was hiding my efforts better than I really was. I thought I could hide my discomfort at dance clubs and other intimate environments and I thought my feelings of failure weren't horribly and embarrassingly evident on my face. I couldn't tell which was worse; not attracting any men at all, or having one grind on me and knowing that I'd rather be anywhere else. I thought I was convincing though, especially to other women. I really thought I could pass as a feminine person with tons of sexual and romantic experience at least long enough to foster a friendship. This I longed for more than the company of men, of course, because ultimately going on dates and kissing men was just a means to prove to women that I was like them and had things to talk about with them.It was a slow acceptance for me to see how tiring these performances get and though they all feel bold and empowering to put your newer, more attractive foot forward I learned that ultimately it is not a successful method for lasting self esteem. Around Kyle I felt interesting, respected, and attractive in new, natural ways that didn't require any elaborate ploys and efforts. And of course, years later, I did make a female friend or two.
The relationship the three of us built was founded, in part, of a relief and comfort to let go of our insecure performances around each other. After all, Kyle was thoughtful, smart, and gentle in this company when he wasn't trying to be a bro or pick up woman and hilariously enough I was also a completely different person when I wasn't trying to get any female affection. Similarly, Jordan was more open, intuitive, and quiet and I was more comfortable to laugh loudly, and embrace the awkward parts of me with a respectable self-awareness instead of shame. In this company I saw how true confidence, self-esteem, and relationships were built.
We came to this city with the intent of possibility and our respective hope, determination, and courage are all commendable to this day, in my opinion. But somewhere along the line we grew up together and some nights in this house I still marvel at the ease with which we support and live with each other as if this were not a totally remarkable synchronized ecosystem of relationships that it is. It may feel a little like destiny, at times, but I'm inclined to believe differently at this point. The bizarre synchronicity of our lives and sanctuary is not an equation derived from random chance or by consistent effort- I believe that it was a collective adaptation we faced together which may only hold the flavour of destiny.
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| Fresh Fest circa 2012 |
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