It was my second anniversary dating my boyfriend last weekend, and in pondering what it is that has kept us so happy and successful together I really resist the answer people want to hear which is that we love each other. Of course we love each other- I'd go so far as to say we are smitten and cherish each other, but as I touched on previously in my post about my trip to Mexico, I really don't believe that love has a lot to do with successful partnership.
Kyle and I have never had the stereotypical couple's fight that I see in the relationships of my peers or relationships in fiction. We have both hurt each other's feelings once or twice, but the whole thing is resolved within the day and usually within the hour. A lot of relationships therapists and experts would just chalk this up to our not being assholes to each other but again, I really resist this idea that we are happy and in love just because we are decent people and love prevails and whatnot.
Another easy answer is that communication is our secret, and though this is something I am certainly more on board with, still effective communication is not what my mother always taught me it was which essentially boiled down to justifying passionate, aggressive fighting as something healthy because it is "getting it all out'. Maybe our personalities just don't naturally progress towards these kinds of fights, but I know for a fact that Kyle has suffered from fairly impressive anger problems and I certainly like to get the last word in- we just choose to communicate around these character flaws.
One thing that really secured our effective communication skills involves the large and intimidating hurdle that was well in sight when we first started dating. We held hands and realized that we would have to bound toward this thing if we ever hoped to get over it and even if we were both uncomfortable, scared, and uncertain about how we would go about our sexuality, we knew we had to conquer it together and immediately and there was no way to do it other than being open, vulnerable, patient, and supportive of each other. At the risk of hashing out irrelevant and uncomfortable dialogue, I think it is safe to say that if we had put the hurdle off or if we had tried to do it individually and closed off to each other in any way, we would not still be together and I'd wager we might not even be good friends. Just as I found the courage to tell Kyle that anything involving direct sexuality would only have me slowly grow to resent him, Kyle found it in him to show me new ways of being affectionate and to satisfy his need for closeness. I commend us both in our efforts- I don't know if I could have leapt over that same hurdle with anyone else less compassionate, understanding, and brave as Kyle.
I can't say if Kyle and I tell each other everything as I cannot speak for him, but both hurt feelings and appreciation never go without being expressed to each other and this makes everything so much less dramatic and whether it is a simple "thank you" or an affectionate gesture, there is never any doubt that we appreciate each other. Affection is very important to us, and though it isn't posted all over facebook and we do not suck face in public, it is absolutely present consistently and effortlessly.
Many people have this notion of romance which would have both Kyle and I need and depend on each other. This is absolutely not true, and here I can speak for Kyle. Neither of us needs each other. Not once have either of us depended on the other in the sense of those grand romantic gestures we see in fiction and in the love affairs of 14 year old's. It puts so much pressure on a person and a relationship to be needed and it breaks my heart that society is so hell bent on romanticizing this whole "I'd die without you" gimmick which is so clearly horrifying. I will not die without Kyle, but I would certainly be very sad to see him go. The way I see it, the superior romantic gesture is in showing your partner that you do not need them to lead a happy and fulfilled life but they make it so much sweeter and they make you happy in their own right- they choose you for who you are, not because they need an empty void filled. I like that I have been chosen and that I am loved for who I am independently of a need for validation.
My father has this idea that I neglect Kyle when I go on my solo hikes and trips without him. I understand where he gets this idea because the way he was brought up and the culture which prevails around him insists that being in love and being married is essentially making that commitment to bind yourself to the other person in every way. There is no way I can explain that Kyle and I absolutely share our lives, but we still have individual pursuits and compromising them would result in both of us being unhappy. Coming home and talking about each other's days and pursuits adds another element to the relationship that is perhaps not as traditional as my father's relationships, but it really allows for an opportunity for us to support each other in things neither of us may be interested in without boring each other to death. Kyle does not enjoy hiking as much as I do and I know next to nothing about music. If we both felt obligated to engage fully in each of these activities as opposed to just showing interest and support, there is no doubt that we would either give up a bit of those pursuits or grow to resent the other. There is a difference between doing something with someone because they love it and feeling obligated to constantly involve yourself in their interests that you have tried and know you do not enjoy. I would never want to steal his time from music and he would never want to take my love of hiking or reading from me. Showing interest and supporting each other in these pursuits while still allowing each other the space to pursue them is one way we respect each other's introversion, as well. Just as I love to watch Kyle be himself when we do things together or with our friends, I like that I do not interfere with other things which make him happy, too.
I believe that any relationship will thrive if you yearn to learn from each other.
Support your partner even when you are not doing well. Trust your partner because you know them, not just on principle. It shocked me how many people were "impressed" that Kyle let me go to Montreal without him. People who believe that Kyle should worry about my cheating on him have a fundamental misunderstanding of both who I am and our relationship. I find it slightly offensive that people think I will just cheat on Kyle if he isn't around. Kyle let me go to Montreal because he didn't really have a choice, first of all, as I paid for the trip and I decided I wanted to do it, and also because Kyle knows me and trusts that I wouldn't do anything to hurt him! Christ.
Lastly, we do not go to bed angry. This is not in the context of us being angry at each other, but more in the sense that we will at least make an effort to comfort each other and laugh before bed each night when we can. If I have had a rough day, one thing I can depend on is leaving the day on a better note. It's just a little thing, but it's something I really appreciate that we do.
Yes, communication is absolutely a great foundation for trust and success.
Yes, we absolutely do love each other.
But over all, I think our happiness and success comes from a fundamental understanding both of each other as individuals and our relationship as something which should compliment and not dictate our individual selves and pursuits.
I am happy in all of my relationships, but I really don't see myself being as happy in a romantic relationship as I am with Kyle- especially one which appeared so difficult to navigate in the beginning.
Bless this silly little life
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