The prevailing emotion behind my preteens and early teens was shame. I felt ugly, insecure, desperate, and riddled with self doubt. My grades were the only forgiving force in my social life for long enough that that I grew convinced that my acquaintances only entertained my company because I was eager to please and they felt pity for me, and I resigned to this. I wasn't worth anything more than this, the way I saw it.
It would be easy to blame this on the little cruelties of teenage boys and the obvious desire my mother had for me to be more socially attractive. It would be easier still to blame society for upholding the feminine/ tom boy dichotomy and pumping out expectations for girls to behave unanimously, and I absolutely did stake blame once. However, that blame never helped me feel better and even after I'd found friends that genuinely cared for me and a quiet, happy home to live in I still remained convinced that there was going to be no departure from my idea of self.
I was not atypical of other teenage girls in this sense. Many of us craved validation and were uncomfortable in our bodies and sexuality. When my hair was cut and I could feel the wind on my ears I remember with awful clarity the little self esteem I had drop through my gut. When boys would dare each other to lick their hands and touch me, for kissing me was a death sentence, I felt shame thick in my throat. But, again, by the time I found my bearings in high school this bullying wasn't happening any more and my hair had grown back out. I found myself in an abusive friendship just as I was desperately trying to assert my sexuality to my male friends because the consistent force of shameful confusion beat in me and I swallowed it like a dry wine with every romantic advance.
Validation from others brought no relief nor the any of the exalting highs I expected. I was deeply confused in body, mind, and spirit but I chalked it up to the realities of my age.
All of this changed after I read "The Perks of Being a Wallflower".
It was never that I thought I deserved what I was feeling, but I never realized until then that I really believed I wasn't deserving of love, respect, or attraction. I always accepted the relationships and treatment I got but I also accepted that I hated myself and my grotesque body and sexuality. But in that first moment when Charlie was told that he can't just put everyone before him and call that love, something in my clicked like a crack in the neck. I had always thought of and practiced love as something sacrificial and not at all related to self-love. Then, of course, came the quote that I ended up tattooing on my back 3 years later.
We accept the love we think we deserve.
We accept the love from ourselves and others that we believe we are worthy of.
This concept got me through my abusive relationship. It brought me closer to my friends and my father. When I moved out to Lethbridge, it pushed me to hold myself differently and because of this I flourished socially. Perhaps most significantly, it aided me in every grueling step of accepting my sexuality and coming out.
Regardless of how I still felt about myself- whether I felt ugly, awkward, or un-funny, Stephen Chbosky changed how I loved others, first, and then how I loved myself. The "Perks of Being a Wallflower" movie came out and the whole thing became very juvenile and cliche. Cheapened by it's youthful appeal, not to mention the complete glazing-over of the more controversial aspects of the novel which touched on subjects like self harm, suicide, sexual abuse, and the dangers of romanticizing sacrificial love. I know that people see my tattoo and wonder if it, too, will age badly and become cliche and juvenile as I grow older, but this I doubt. It is still relevant because I catch myself thinking that Kyle will never have to worry about other boys, my career will never have to worry about me leaving, and my friends don't need to worry about me replacing them because no one else would want me. I still catch those thoughts crop up even today. I catch myself justifying situations because I am not a good enough woman. No asexual and un-feminine thing like me could stand for a woman.
I don't think my tattoo will ever stop being relevant for me because it spreads out like a web across my back to catch these thoughts and stop them from evolving any further.
Then, in 2011 I took an introductory course to world religions. The next year I took one specifically on Buddhism. The Buddhist doctrine and practice was like a breath of fresh air in me. I've found all religions interesting and often inspiring in their own sense, but with Buddhism I found that it was immediately appealing and attractive to me like nothing else really was. Hinduism, which of course bleeds in to a lot of Buddhist ideas, is gorgeously mystical and a fun dance and all mono-theistic traditions are very powerful symphonies for a human heart, but Buddhism felt like cool lemonade on a hot day, like the rush of blood in my ears after reaching a summit. In my eyes, these were the most immediately attractive and applicable ideas and practices that Buddhism lent me:
1. Understanding the ego
A simplified Buddhist idea is that ultimately ego, desire, and attachment result in suffering. The main focus of Buddhism is to understand suffering, absolve it in yourself, and work to absolve it in others however you can. Though death is another huge contemplative focus in Buddhism, at this point in my life this doesn't interest me as much. Understanding my ego, what drives it, feeds it, and why it is necessary that it exists but should at the same time be harnessed and kept in check changed so much about the way I treated myself and others. I learned more about how to help others and how to understand toxic processes going on in myself whenever they do arise. Like death, all doctrine and practice focused on the ego will ultimately lead to metaphysical ideas of no-self which I do see the validity and use of, but do not necessarily feel that I need to take it in to my own hands just yet.
2. Precious human existence
This one is fun for me! In a wheel of ongoing experience where there are animals, gods, hungry ghosts, and humans, it is explicit that the human life, thought rapt with suffering, is absolutely a gift. We have the divine privilege to have access to a sea of knowledge and understanding of empathy, compassion, and our imminent deaths. Not only can we then become enlightened, but a more accessible goal is to then devote the precious human life towards discovery, learning, and practices compassion towards all other living things. It's such a simple, pretty idea and I love it.
3. Extracting jealousy
I struggle with jealousy. Once or twice a year I grow significantly jealous of people with more money or opportunities than I and I find myself tumbling down these wells of ego-ridden misery where I clash with thoughts which tell me that I deserve better, that others deserve less, that life is unfair and then of course I lose touch with everything else I try and practice in life. It is awful. Buddhist practice has softened this blow significantly. Thought I still find myself feeling jealous, I know how to redirect it properly.
There is essentially nothing that a focus on compassion, mindfulness, and loving-kindness (this is one word in Buddhist texts) hasn't enhanced in my life. It has done so much for my social life, my career, and how kindly I treat myself as well. The air feels fresher, food tastes better, and I sleep better when practicing mindfulness. This, perhaps more than anything else, is what really drew me to Buddhism. Everything ultimately boils down to practices of compassion be it through meditation, through charity, or through Right Effort and Right Focus, understanding the benefits and power of compassion in line with the ambition to practice it has absolutely changed my life. The Bodhisattva vow has always been attractive to me, and I like to believe that I practice it in as many ways as I can even if I am still on the fence about reincarnation.
Buddhism can be practiced and studied alongside any other tradition or lifestyle, and this isn't just an assumption but an explicit tenant of Buddhism. This is what sets Buddhism apart from so many other traditions. The way I see it, it may also be one of it's most attractive and valuable assets.
The lotus
The stem of the lotus is rooted in soil. It presses through muddy waters of ego, uncertainty, and suffering until it finally reaches the sun and then it will open itself and detach from the mud and it's past, then let go and drift peacefully. The lotus begins in the mud, but not of the mud. The way I see it, this ties in to my Wallflower quote as well. I was in the mud, absolutely, and I may find myself pressing through those waters again from time to time, but I am not of the mud.
Throughout my career I have found the ambition to be like the lotus, to be like Arya Tara, to be like an eternal spring to others- to help and to give myself out but remain a renewable resource. Buddhism has made me feel valuable and beautiful.
I really couldn't love others fully until I learned to love myself, as cliche as that is.
Love, compassion, and practice will always be relevant.
It would be easy to blame this on the little cruelties of teenage boys and the obvious desire my mother had for me to be more socially attractive. It would be easier still to blame society for upholding the feminine/ tom boy dichotomy and pumping out expectations for girls to behave unanimously, and I absolutely did stake blame once. However, that blame never helped me feel better and even after I'd found friends that genuinely cared for me and a quiet, happy home to live in I still remained convinced that there was going to be no departure from my idea of self.
Validation from others brought no relief nor the any of the exalting highs I expected. I was deeply confused in body, mind, and spirit but I chalked it up to the realities of my age.
All of this changed after I read "The Perks of Being a Wallflower".
It was never that I thought I deserved what I was feeling, but I never realized until then that I really believed I wasn't deserving of love, respect, or attraction. I always accepted the relationships and treatment I got but I also accepted that I hated myself and my grotesque body and sexuality. But in that first moment when Charlie was told that he can't just put everyone before him and call that love, something in my clicked like a crack in the neck. I had always thought of and practiced love as something sacrificial and not at all related to self-love. Then, of course, came the quote that I ended up tattooing on my back 3 years later.
We accept the love we think we deserve.
We accept the love from ourselves and others that we believe we are worthy of.
This concept got me through my abusive relationship. It brought me closer to my friends and my father. When I moved out to Lethbridge, it pushed me to hold myself differently and because of this I flourished socially. Perhaps most significantly, it aided me in every grueling step of accepting my sexuality and coming out.
Regardless of how I still felt about myself- whether I felt ugly, awkward, or un-funny, Stephen Chbosky changed how I loved others, first, and then how I loved myself. The "Perks of Being a Wallflower" movie came out and the whole thing became very juvenile and cliche. Cheapened by it's youthful appeal, not to mention the complete glazing-over of the more controversial aspects of the novel which touched on subjects like self harm, suicide, sexual abuse, and the dangers of romanticizing sacrificial love. I know that people see my tattoo and wonder if it, too, will age badly and become cliche and juvenile as I grow older, but this I doubt. It is still relevant because I catch myself thinking that Kyle will never have to worry about other boys, my career will never have to worry about me leaving, and my friends don't need to worry about me replacing them because no one else would want me. I still catch those thoughts crop up even today. I catch myself justifying situations because I am not a good enough woman. No asexual and un-feminine thing like me could stand for a woman.I don't think my tattoo will ever stop being relevant for me because it spreads out like a web across my back to catch these thoughts and stop them from evolving any further.
Then, in 2011 I took an introductory course to world religions. The next year I took one specifically on Buddhism. The Buddhist doctrine and practice was like a breath of fresh air in me. I've found all religions interesting and often inspiring in their own sense, but with Buddhism I found that it was immediately appealing and attractive to me like nothing else really was. Hinduism, which of course bleeds in to a lot of Buddhist ideas, is gorgeously mystical and a fun dance and all mono-theistic traditions are very powerful symphonies for a human heart, but Buddhism felt like cool lemonade on a hot day, like the rush of blood in my ears after reaching a summit. In my eyes, these were the most immediately attractive and applicable ideas and practices that Buddhism lent me:
1. Understanding the ego
A simplified Buddhist idea is that ultimately ego, desire, and attachment result in suffering. The main focus of Buddhism is to understand suffering, absolve it in yourself, and work to absolve it in others however you can. Though death is another huge contemplative focus in Buddhism, at this point in my life this doesn't interest me as much. Understanding my ego, what drives it, feeds it, and why it is necessary that it exists but should at the same time be harnessed and kept in check changed so much about the way I treated myself and others. I learned more about how to help others and how to understand toxic processes going on in myself whenever they do arise. Like death, all doctrine and practice focused on the ego will ultimately lead to metaphysical ideas of no-self which I do see the validity and use of, but do not necessarily feel that I need to take it in to my own hands just yet.
"It is challenging to alter your perspective on the world to such a degree that you recognize all beings as having needs equal to your own" -Lama Surya Das
 |
| The Wheel of Existence |
This one is fun for me! In a wheel of ongoing experience where there are animals, gods, hungry ghosts, and humans, it is explicit that the human life, thought rapt with suffering, is absolutely a gift. We have the divine privilege to have access to a sea of knowledge and understanding of empathy, compassion, and our imminent deaths. Not only can we then become enlightened, but a more accessible goal is to then devote the precious human life towards discovery, learning, and practices compassion towards all other living things. It's such a simple, pretty idea and I love it.
3. Extracting jealousy
I struggle with jealousy. Once or twice a year I grow significantly jealous of people with more money or opportunities than I and I find myself tumbling down these wells of ego-ridden misery where I clash with thoughts which tell me that I deserve better, that others deserve less, that life is unfair and then of course I lose touch with everything else I try and practice in life. It is awful. Buddhist practice has softened this blow significantly. Thought I still find myself feeling jealous, I know how to redirect it properly.
"Buddhist ethics inform us that what is 'right' is behavior that is helpful rather than harmful, that is conductive to liberation and freedom. Although we may judge certain deeds as undesirable and unskillful,we don't judge the 'doer' as negative or undesirable" -Lama Surya Das4. Compassion, mindfulness, and loving-kindness practices with meditation
 |
| Tara, a feminine Buddha known for her exceptional practice of loving kindness |
"Giving, in whichever way it manifests, brings happiness at every stage of it's expression. We experience joy in forming the intention to be kind and generous; we experience joy in the actual act of giving; and we experience joy in remembering the fact that we have given" - The Buddha5. Buddhism is in-addition-to, not a substitute to any other practice or belief
Buddhism can be practiced and studied alongside any other tradition or lifestyle, and this isn't just an assumption but an explicit tenant of Buddhism. This is what sets Buddhism apart from so many other traditions. The way I see it, it may also be one of it's most attractive and valuable assets.
The lotus
The stem of the lotus is rooted in soil. It presses through muddy waters of ego, uncertainty, and suffering until it finally reaches the sun and then it will open itself and detach from the mud and it's past, then let go and drift peacefully. The lotus begins in the mud, but not of the mud. The way I see it, this ties in to my Wallflower quote as well. I was in the mud, absolutely, and I may find myself pressing through those waters again from time to time, but I am not of the mud.
Throughout my career I have found the ambition to be like the lotus, to be like Arya Tara, to be like an eternal spring to others- to help and to give myself out but remain a renewable resource. Buddhism has made me feel valuable and beautiful.
I really couldn't love others fully until I learned to love myself, as cliche as that is.
Love, compassion, and practice will always be relevant.
Comments
Post a Comment