Compromises

Every relationship requires compromise, but not the kind of compromise I thought it would be when I was younger. Compromise isn't only watching sports games and taking your girlfriend out to dinner. These compromises are essential, of course, but don't necessarily shape the relationship in any meaningful way. The term has so much negative assumptions behind it- as if compromising is always the aftermath of eye rolling and is always a balancing act that weakens the performance as a whole. I'm not totally sure this is true. In my experience, the vast majority of compromises have ended up shaping the relationship in ways that have made it stronger for the both of us. 

There isn't any one compromise that sticks out. Sure, I wish Kyle was more adventurous. I wish he was more organized. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to remember for him. I wish his attention span was longer. I wish he bought new pants. I wish he would clean the house more. There are things I wish I could do with Kyle, absolutely. Kyle certainly wishes I were more creative, enjoyed a lazy Sunday more, and enjoyed more of the music and b-movies he likes. He probably wishes I would keep him up drunk talking less often. 

But these thoughts don't occur one iota as often as the affection and gratitude I experience in having a partner who has been my best friend for half a decade. When I met Kyle I was basically a child. I did not know who I was, I was skittish and pathetic and socially awkward more often than not, I had no grasp of what I was doing, and I was grasping at straws in my attempts at online dating. For every self discovery, triumph, and failure I have experienced as an adult- Kyle has been there. 

These compromises that exist don't touch the experience of having a partner who is so incredibly supportive of my ambition and independence. These past years of reclining comfortably in to a relationship where laughter and conversation come so easily havent fought against any compromise. Kyle hasn't made me cry, ever, in all the years we have known each other. This relationship has miraculously thrived in an environment where my partner is woven so intrinsically in to every fiber of my life. Kyle likes every single meme I post. Sometimes, he even shares them. I cant imagine a more grossly divine privilege- I really cant. 

Even my wishful complaints begun to bleed in to this privilege- I love traveling solo now, I take solace in my yoga and biking on my own, and I have never felt stiffled in my pursuits. My boyfriend's creative outlets and lifestyle is fascinating to me and neither of these individual passions could have thrived as they did if we didn't compromise. These compromises have reached a point where they don't feel like compromises in the traditional sense- there is no tension or strained emotion. There are no sighs or daydreams of a different reality because they have given way to realities which are more nourishing for the both of us. 

I can pretend that it'd be better if I didn't have to remember things for Kyle, but I fucking love to micromanage. Kyle can pretend that he wishes I was more creative, but he knows I'm a better support and audience member than I would be a creative partner. Kyle's vision is singular much like my itch for travel. It's a nice bonus if others want to join us, but not really. The truth is that we have a singular vision as to how we want these things to pan out, and another contributor with an agenda of their own would only hinder us. We have discovered this truth together and whether it's been actively pursued or more lucky that it's worked out this way, either way I feel overwhelming gratitude.  

Kyle, around the summer of 2014

Life has been so comfortable and so ideal for years now. As Kyle and I celebrate our upcoming anniversary I like to take the time to remember that it wasn't always this way. The beginning of our relationship was very, very difficult. Our friendship, Kyle's support, and my honesty is what carried us through the first few seasons which involved both a health and an identity crisis. Since then we've more or less been coasting- breaking over rocks as they come. When our respective struggles with mental illness flare up it has only ever been an opportunity to create a space for support, understanding, forgiveness, and recovery. When one of us feels threatened by external forces in our lives, the other may act as a shield. Though Kyle has never punched a man out for me, his loyalty and fiercely protective nature are a nice reminder. I know whatever is out there assaulting my ego, my heart, or my health- I know Kyle is at home ready to sweep me up and carry me through if I need it. I don't, always. When I'm in real deep, I need to be alone. But the option is always there- an assuring "open" sign I can see from miles away.  

With Kyle I am never worried that he will rub my face in my shit like a disobedient shit-zu. Kyle has never taken an opportunity to be petty with my mistakes; he has never extended an "I told you so" past the point of recognition and being helpful. I have never worried that he is merely swallowing his anger or hurt feelings in order to spare any confrontation. I find myself with so little fear or tension about walking on eggshells or bracing for impact that I've found in other relationships. Though he is sensitive, he is not defensive and this is a blessing that I like to let wash over me. Life has been so comfortable with him for so long now. Even when we are in a crisis and even when I isolate myself there has always been an effort to find out the best solution for each other. Sometimes the answer is nothing and we must work on making our relationship a more nourishing place, and sometimes it requires action and we become a team working together toward the common goal of alleviating the present suffering.

Kyle is not the boyfriend I crafted in The Sims, but he is the perfect companion for me. I have loved Kyle for a long time and have dated him 3 years now, but this past year is when I really felt that we became partners. Whatever compromises were made and will continue to be made, we have stepped off the balancing beam long ago. At this point, compromise is only driving us forward and though I couldn't tell you what lies ahead, I can say with certainty that so long as we face it as partners- be it basking in the sun or shouldering through swamp land- I'll be living the dream.  

Also now that we have a little baby puppo all of my domestic dreams have essentially come true

Peace, 

One love